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Death of Spring

by for your health & Shin Guard

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1.
harder to process than potential immortality may be that some seek it with this earthly chariot, maggots at the reigns i will crash into a wall of dirt and bury myself far beyond reach discarded bare under mounds of soil and rock, i will close my eyes and try to rest hiding from the real end and evading eternity's wake
2.
keres 02:35
i want you to feel how impossibly loud you are how your noxious presence permeates our being, refuses us sleep an unwelcome guest to crack our bones and brittle our teeth ears covered with lead still ring for years suffocate under the weight of words unbraced in this collapsing tunnel, there's no light at the end, there is no shovel what happens when the search party drowns? creeping mold creeping headache creeping cold but never daybreak there's no light at the end of the tunnel, everything is black just shut the fuck up back off a fucking cliff
3.
sink your fangs into my rabid heart and let the violent ennui drip drip sown seeds of discontent sprout forth to threaten me overgrowth, tangled cacophony the absurd swallows me whole
4.
the inexorable march of time will grind our weary bones to dust and in its wake a great shadow looms overhead a specter of rebirth a cyclical obsolescence to no end, life from loam, to no end don't you find comfort in inevitability that one day your organs are evicted and worms will squat their place? that one day, there will be no days as the sun explodes? that one day, no day, the cosmos freeze over? and nothing will be and nothing will be serene
5.
born into a life of suffering, exacerbated by a predatory nation your only god is avarice and it's set a plague upon us i'll try to stay alive to watch it die dispel the green miasma that weighs us down bleed me out bleed me out
6.
It was 2010 when I first processed death, my heart skipped a beat and I choked in my breath when your cousin shrugged and told me you unexpectedly passed on from an unknown illness. Would you have expected me to be at your funeral? I would have been had I known. It stirs in me still and the feeling has only grown. The mystery of what your future held keeps me awake. Sometimes, I dream about my friends lifeless at their wakes. This must be grieving instilled in me. I will be molded by death before reach. How much longer can I stare into crosses? I’m cutting blessings and counting losses. Is this my chance to get closer to God? Testing faith I don’t have? All that I can do is sympathize. Is this what I get for my thoughts not being set on a higher plane? Just deepening human pain? And just like that, you are forgotten. Your family internalizes the hurt. All legacies are idealizations. Time will move on without you and I will too. I should get comfortable with you leaving. I don’t want to. I feel tremendous guilt as well as being stuck with envy on this earth and not inside a casket. Can you end me so my thoughts won’t race and I’ll stop asking who will come next?
7.
The clock struck thirteen. I’d like to think you were too good for this Earth, but it was a freak accident. How could you expect this to happen? How dare the skies stay blue. While you’re hooked up to a ventilator, I’m down three floors being evaluated, about to look for a get-well card. How serious could it be, learning young loss? I wish you would’ve switched with me. That’s how I wanted it to be, but instead I’ll dress up nicely and look at something that isn’t you. We’ve both been stricken. You in the head, me in the pew. I can feel my eyes bleeding rain with a clouded mind, but I can’t let it out. At your wake, your mother sputtered out “he loved what you said” but you were dead before the card made its way up to your room. Ignore the gloom by rewriting history, but I don’t blame her. You and I left on bad terms and you left in an orange hoodie on a broken zipline. No closure.
8.
Perfect boy. Isn’t that how it always is? Fatigue is your enemy. Flawlessness is so tiring. In the spring, on the bus, to a competition, you were in the deepest sleep. It took more than shaking. I never thought much of it. In the fall, in your car on the highway, you did it again. I wonder if you woke up for a second. Were you shaken by the guide rail? Did you feel the fire deface you? Your family wakes in hell and we’re still there to see them any time that we’d like. You are nowhere to be found with your beacon of light.
9.
Do you plan to meet us with a blade as a key? With the strongest wish of a gate and white robes, lush choirs? Don’t kid yourself, we’re decomposing tonight. The ground costs thousands. Time will move on without you. You know that more than I do, but would you leave the world with everybody you know saying “I should’ve, I could’ve”? I hope that can hold you back tonight. We’ll get through it, but that won’t stop you from being crushed by the weight of everybody leaving you.

about

riff time

shout outs and love to ryann slausson, shawn decker, joseph lord, awakebutstillinbed, and short fictions

credits

released May 20, 2019

hayden rodriguez - vox
damian chacon - guitars
johnny deborde - bass
sandro zambrano-villa - drums
lyrics by hayden rodriguez, music by for your health
additional vocals on keres - shannon taylor (recorded by mari campos)
additional vocals on interpol - alex barkley
tambourine - ryan yester

recorded by owen traynor at ryan’s house, april twenty ninescene
mastered by owen traynor

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for your health Columbus, Ohio

violence from columbus, ohio.

debut lp "in spite of" out 2/12/21 on twelve gauge records

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